I read a lot of self-help books when I was preparing to leave my career in fashion retail at the end of July. There were a lot of helpful ideas from these books to help me discover my life’s purpose or the next chapter. Suggestions included “make sure to meditate”, “make a list of what brings you joy”, “you need to manifest what you want and it will come to you”, “make a plan, believe, and work your ass off”, “journaling is the answer!!”. All sounded good and logical; I honestly thought my next step would come to me very clearly like the ringing of a bell or a slap across the face. Most importantly I thought it would come to me relatively quickly. “Yeah, I’m going to give myself a month off and then get to it,” is what I would tell anyone who asked. All. Figured. Out.
In my first week of being a “free agent”, I tried these theories. I made a great plan of action (it looks beautiful), created a morning routine of walking and meditation, brainstormed website names for this blog, and scheduled time to try to visualize my future. I ordered more self-help books, bought a pretty journal, cleaned out my closet, took personality tests, and started a new diet. (No, it’s not a mid-life crisis; it’s a mid-life awakening. Thank you.)
In my third week, my husband and I went to the Catskills in upstate New York for a vacation. I disconnected from social media. I put away my plan. I didn’t meditate. I focused on enjoying his company, watched multiple episodes of Mindhunter, read a book, did a puzzle, floated in the pool and played tennis. And then BOOM! It hit me. I was tired. Like really tired, and I had been resisting rest for the two-plus weeks because I was still in the routine of being busy and time was valuable. You don’t squander time. Time is more valuable than anything. My mind was still in the realm of “have an impact, work hard, build a plan, create your dream; do it!”. But I was too exhausted. My energy balance was in the negative; my energy to love, to do, to communicate was fully depleted. It caused my mind to be a chatterbox of thought. I needed to recover.
When I came back from the Catskills I stopped forcing myself to do the things that I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to meditate and be with those crazy lady thoughts in my head. I didn’t want to do the plan (it was too much, too many goals, but very beautiful). I wanted time and wanted to re-acquaint myself with my values. I had to begin letting go of ego; the ego that tied me to who I thought I should be rather than who I am. My mind had to release the tasking and shift what I would consider being productive.
So I go to bed early and take naps during the day. I continue my walks in the park because it brings me serenity. I reach out to family and friends and have lunch or drinks or coffee. I had gone so long ignoring my values. It was time to start saying “no” to the things I didn’t want to do even to the twenty self-help book authors. No; I’m not ready. I need to recover.
And now I’m six weeks into this new chapter launching this blog because I want to do it. It’s a creative outlet and I want to connect with people. It’s time to express myself in the context of my values and passions. It’s time to learn to love myself. It’s time to believe that everything I need is right here, inside of me, waiting to be expressed. It’s time to go inside to do the inner work and stop focusing on the outer work to make this experience all worth it. Time well spent; how productive. I now know I won’t be able to clearly define what’s next until I heal my soul.
And today with a quieter mind, because I’m giving myself the time to recover, I could finally meditate. Laughter comes easier and more often, I feel a stronger love for my husband, and I’m so fulfilled by friendships and reconnection. Crazy to think it’s just the beginning.
Do you take time to recover? How do you quiet the crazy lady (or man) in your head?
songs on repeat
Recover by Chvrches
Lucky Man by the Verve
