Most of us remember the time where our parents made us go to our grandparent’s house. You know the ones who made you eat everything on your plate and help with the chores? You so badly wanted to say no and hang out with your friends instead, but you knew that would make your parents (and Grandma!) totally irritated. And, you, well, you don’t like to irritate people, so you went reluctantly and made the best of it.
As we grow up, it’s ingrained in our minds to be accommodating and say “yes,” whether to advance in our career, find love, please family members, or just have good manners. We don’t realize these little acts of saying “yes” are making it harder for us to establish boundaries.
It can often feel intimidating, stressful, and rude to set boundaries. On the flip side, boundaries allow us to feel secure and confident in ourselves. Boundaries allow us to respect ourselves and our well-being and prevent burnout.
Here’s the thing – there are ways to make setting boundaries easier. Lucky for you, I’m sharing with you today how I’m setting loving, healthy boundaries in my life, implement these tips and start moving out of a people pleaser mentality.
Why setting boundaries as a people pleaser is challenging
Acceptance
As a recovering people pleaser saying “no” and setting boundaries is primarily based on my fear of being abandoned. In my mind, when I said “yes” and was accommodating to others, it meant I wasn’t alone.
It wasn’t until my forties that I realized this pattern was putting me in situations that overextended me or weren’t comfortable.
By putting energy into constantly saying “yes” and seeking acceptance, I was being pulled further out of alignment by not putting myself first.
When I finally started saying “no” more often, I felt I was regaining power over my time and energy. I felt more respect for myself. When I started saying “no,” no one walked away. In fact, most people would ask, “ok, what works for you?”
Always Looking Forward
People pleasers also tend to be “overachievers.” As an overachiever, we’re always wondering what’s next, never fully satisfied with our present moment. A deep feeling that we need to continue to prove ourselves to others.
“If I take this new client, I’ll finally hit that goal.”
“If I say yes to this program and lose this weight, I’ll finally be happy with my life.”
“If I say yes to my boss’s request, I’ll finally get that promotion.”
We get stuck in this cycle of saying “yes” because it will finally lead to the next big thing. What if that next big thing is strengthening your trust in the universe and being fully present with the now. What are you avoiding by putting yourself into overachieving mode?
Fear of Disappointment
By saying yes, we’re avoiding disappointing others. We often have this fear that by saying “no,” the other person is going to be emotionally hurt.
You think to yourself, if I continue to say “yes,” then I won’t have the stress of confrontation or hurting other people’s feelings.
When we let emotions guide these decisions, we tend to lose sight of what’s important. We open ourselves to always being available because people can always rely on us to say yes. A key element to feeling that burnout.
And in the end, the only disappointment you’ll experience is yours because you didn’t set and reinforce boundaries.
The importance of setting boundaries
Better relationships
Creating boundaries allows others to have a clear understanding of your identity, seeing that you are compassionate and loving towards yourself, leading to respect and healthier relationships.
By being the best version of yourself, you’re better able to help your peers. When you have solid, loving boundaries, you’ll know how to reinforce them in a way that feels supportive and kind to both you and to the external sources requesting your time. And, if you are learning how to protect your energy (people pleasers tend to be very empathetic), you can learn to access source energy to protect your energy from depletion—more on this in another post.
Remember this, people will notice it more if you don’t keep a promise than if you say “no.” If you’re always saying “yes” and overloading yourself, you are more likely to be overworked and slip-on deadlines. It’s essential to say “yes” only to things that fill your cup, and you can commit to 100%.
Better Self-Care
“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”
Doreen Virtue
When you Google self-care techniques, you’ll find the common ones such as exercise, drinking tea, and getting massages. Deep down in the interwebs, though, you’ll discover that setting boundaries are the foundation of self-care.
To act on any self-care techniques, you have to set boundaries.
- Boundaries with your spouse to support you getting out of the house to get a massage.
- Boundaries with your children to allow you to take a soothing bath.
- Boundaries with your family to have 30 minutes on vacation to go on a walk.
We all know how important self-care is; it’s essential. While most of us weren’t taught how to carve time for self-care, I’m going to show you below how you can start respectfully setting boundaries and declining things to make time for yourself.
7 Ways to Start Setting Boundaries
Respectfully Decline
Saying “no” is scary, as we discussed above. By first identifying your boundaries, though, you’ll be able to enter a conversation with more respect and grace with yourself, making saying “no” easier.
The tips below will help you respectfully decline an event or obligation, so you can leave the conversation feeling confident and respected, both by yourself and your peer.
Yes, if…
In situations where you think that the task would be of value to you, but you just don’t have the bandwidth, this is a good default. The if could either be extending the deadline, changing the terms of letting go of something else that isn’t serving you anymore so you can take this task.
No, it’s not a good fit at this time.
Sometimes you’re asked to do something that you actually wouldn’t mind doing, but the timing is off, and you know you can’t give your 100%. This is a perfect response if you are interested in doing the ask in the future! You can even tell them to follow-up with you on a set date to inquire again.
No
Know that it’s ok to just say “no.” No explanation is needed, just “no.” By expanding on it, you are opening the door to ramble and potentially convince yourself that maybe you should do it.
As a people pleaser, this is the hardest one by far, but here are a few tips to do when you say no:
- Stay brief. No explanations are needed. Just be crystal clear in your response.
- Wait overnight to think it through. There is no problem with asking for time to think about the offer!
- Remember your why and your goals. Is the thing you’re being asked to serve you, and is it high on your list of priorities? Take the time to identify your boundaries and review them frequently.
- Communicate boundaries from the beginning, and set your priorities. And follow through. When you start to feel guilty, you will become more lenient on YOUR boundaries and give more to others. Also, ask yourself, is this guilt really mine, or is that person projecting that energy onto me?
- Keep in mind that saying no the first time is the hardest. As you say no more often, it will become a new habit.
- Start small. Instead of getting rid of everything that no longer serves you and saying no left-and-right, you’re going to overwhelm yourself. Remember that saying no is a process, and it’s ok to choose one thing to say no to now and then progressively say no to more things in the future.
Ask Yourself What You Would Tolerate
What can you learn from the coworkers working 80 hour weeks, missing family functions, and having strained relationships? Is this you in the extreme version? How does it make you feel? When will you decide to take action?
Oftentimes if we step outside the current bubble that we’re in and assess our life from an outsider’s perspective, we find things we didn’t notice before.
To do this for yourself, ask a trusted friend or family member to give you their opinion on how you prioritize yourself in your life. Doing so can be a tough pill to swallow. Still, it will provide you with a hard look at the blind spots you have.
Set Your Priorities
Time is a valuable resource that we can’t get back. When you take the time to list and rank your priorities in life, it’s going to give you a better understanding of where you can set boundaries.
(Trying to figure out where to start with your priorities? Start with looking at your values. What do you value most in life. My free workbook also shows you how!)
For example, if family is your #1 priority, but you haven’t been to your kid’s soccer game yet this season, and you’re always rushing to make it home by dinner, then you’re not treating it like your #1 priority. And, I know, we often blame work for infringing on these priorities. And, ask yourself, what’s the real reason I can’t get to those soccer games? So, you can start by setting boundaries at work (like leaving at 5 PM every day) to ensure family is your top priority (and making it home for dinner, with time to help cook!) If that feels too challenging, start with leaving at 5 PM a few times a week.
Respect Others Boundaries
If you expect that others are going to respect the boundaries that you put in place, then you also need to respect their boundaries. Ask the people that are important to you, what are some things that you wish you were prioritizing in your life but feel challenged to find time to do? How can I support you?
And, lead by example! If you are an executive and are consistently setting boundaries, you will find your coworkers will often take your lead. Encourage them to leave on time, and show them that you support them in reinforcing their boundaries.
When you find someone that is setting boundaries well, whether it be in work or in home life, ask what their priorities are. Ask how and when they’d like you to communicate with them, and make sure to respect their boundaries.
Take Space
The best advice I have ever received was, “don’t be afraid to take space.” It is easy to think that we are “less than” others and to let our mindset get the best of us.
You are just as special as the next person, so don’t be afraid to ask for what you want, confidently and without reserve!
Start Small
Your first time speaking up about setting boundaries, start small. Baby steps are always good when bringing change into your life.
Maybe you want ….
- An uninterrupted lunch so you can go on a walk.
- Phone free at the dinner table.
- No meetings after 5 PM.
- Spend time alone this weekend for a few hours.
- Catch up time with my best friend.
To get you started, it’s easiest to be direct when asking.
“It is important to me that I get to _________.“
Say thank you, and maybe even say, is there something I can do to support you with sticking to your priorities for yourself this week?
Practice First
Practice with a friend. Give her the skinny on you being a recovering people pleaser (she’ll likely celebrate with you because that’s what friends do!) and tell her you want to practice.
It’s easier to get used to saying “no” when you say it more often. The times you find yourself automatically saying yes to something, even though you want to say no, correct yourself and say “no.”
Listen to Your Gut
When you start to listen to your gut, it becomes easy to understand what your body is saying what it wants. However, sometimes people say “no” because they aren’t at all connected with their intuition.
Once you start connecting with your body – asking what it really wants – you’ll learn to only accept opportunities that make your gut energetically shout yes!
Recap
In the process of setting boundaries, take time to recognize how far you’ve come and celebrate the confidence that you’ve gained. Using a journal is a great way to track the times where you felt nervous about setting those boundaries and how you felt afterward. Watch yourself become confident saying yes, and love how you feel.
Also, realize that you can’t be everything to everyone. You matter, your time matters, and you are everything to you. When you accept that no one expects you to do everything and that there are other options out there, then saying no will become easier by nature.
Even though setting boundaries can feel challenging, remember it’s a habit that you can break. You’re going to grow more accepting of yourself and continue to gain more profound respect from others.
To get started with recognizing and working on your boundaries, you can download my free checklist, which will go more in-depth on why setting boundaries is important and how you can work on setting boundaries as a parent, friend, or business executive.
